Sunday, January 15, 2012

Are you actually non-monogomous?

The Four Keys To A Happy Relationship
Let me share some information with you that I have learned.  As it turns out, in every relationship there are four key things that make it work.  The percentage of each will determine the level of success. 

Composition of a Relationship

For starters the two people need to be the best of friends.  They need to want to spend all the time they have together forever and ever.  That is probably one of the most solid pieces and can help weather deficiencies in other areas.  If you have an incredible sex life and you are both good parents but you can't get along with each other then it won't work.

Next, both people need to be a good spouse.  What I mean by this is that they have to be able to do those things that a couple has to do.  Fix the car, take out the garbage, do the dishes, clean the house, fix the fence, pay the bills, get groceries, etc.  If the other areas are solid but one or both of the people doesn't hold up their end on the spousal duties then there will be constant bickering and a sense that the person is not willing to do their part to make the relationship work.

The third point is parenting.  If both people have no interest in having children then this point doesn't matter as much.  However if children, or even pets are involved then both people have to be good parents.  If one is a terrible parent then the relationship will fail for sure.  To a parent the children are the most important thing in their lives.  

Finally the bedroom.  Even if you have 100% of all of the other three, a low score in the bedroom is going to have a serious impact on the relationship.  This could lead to constant fighting, cheating, misdirected anger, feelings of inadequacy, bruised ego, etc.  

If you are about to enter a long-term relationship or you are currently in one that is not working then you need to closely examine these four areas and see where the breakdown is.  This might be something that, once understood and out in the open, can be resolved.  Other times it cannot be resolved and the relationship will be destined to fail.  People are fighters and they can put up with things for a long time, however it will eventually fail and there will be a feeling of a loss of time and regret over it.  Why do some marriages go on for 10 to 15 to 20 years and then end?  Because people can put up with a lot before they are willing to make change.

Monogomy vs. Non-Monogomy

Further to the last item, the bedroom, there is one other key aspect about people that can make or break a solid relationship.

Turns out, people are one of two ways.  They are monogomous or non-monogomous.  Two monogomous people can live happily ever after if the other four aspects of the relationship are in tact.  Two non-monogomous people can also live happily ever after with the other four aspects at healthy levels, however they need to UNDERSTAND that they ARE non-monogomous.

Have you ever met someone and you fell in love with them such that no one else in the world even matters?  You hardly notice another attractive person around you other than for the eye-candy.  Your thoughts are consumed by the person you are in love with and you can't imagine being with anyone else.  If that is the case you are probably a Monogomous person.  You are content with getting married and probably having kids and living happily ever after just like the fairy tales you grew up with as a child.  

On the other hand if even after you fell deeply in love with someone you easily get bored of them, or you always notice other attractive people and have feelings about wanting to be around them and getting to know them.  You have many friends and actually NEED to be around them and feel their different energies in your life.  If this sounds like you then you are probably non-monogomous. 

Non-monogomous people feed on the different energies of others and could never be happy with just one person in their relationship.  Of course the way society brainwashes us to believing that everyone needs to find that special someone to marry and have kids and grow old together.  Even religion tells you that you have to be loyal and faithful to your partner for as long as you both shall live... and don't covet thy neighbor's wife for goodness sakes.

If you have a closed mind and up to this point you don't agree with me then you are already either a) monogomous or b) so brainwashed or afraid of what other people think that you might as well stop reading right here.  On the other hand if I am touching on a few points that are making you think, let me continue and put some more pieces together to help you grasp this. 

People, this is something profound here.  It is equivalent to being gay or straight.  You can be gay and lie to yourself for years, but eventually you will come out of the closet.  If you are non-monogomous you can lie to yourself for a long long time but eventually you will need to get out of that relationship.  If not, the likelyhood of cheating on your partner is very high.  Hopefully you can come up with another option, so keep reading...

It's NOT Always About Sex
Typically sex or that type of intimacy is a big part of a non-monogomous person's life, but it doesn't have to be.  It is more about the different energies that people have that you need to be complete.  One person may have a specific type of energy where they are strong and make you feel safe where as another person is vulnerable and needs you to protect them.  Another person may be an incredible amount of fun and you just laugh and smile the whole time you are around them.  Another may be so sexually attractive to you that you can't think of anything other than jumping their bones when you think about them.  Another may just be calm and centered and make you feel grounded and sane and at peace.  Some are aggressive and after being around them you are exhausted from being on the ball the entire time, but for some reason you need that so you keep them in your life.  Some people are fascinating and others are intelligent.  Some are wild and crazy and make you feel alive.  All these energies combined make you feel complete.  Make you whole and comfortable and at peace with the universe.  

That sounds wild, and you may wonder how the heck can that be possible.  How can one person be "allowed" to be with so many people and have it be accepted in society.  Well in my journey I have met a lot of different people with different lifestyles.  I am very open-mined and people open up to me and tell me their most intimate secrets.  I thoroughly enjoy the feeling of being trusted in that way and I definitely know what it is like to have someone you can be that open with.  It is probably one of the most significant relationships you will ever have in your life.  Anyways, non-monogomous people find ways of making things work.  Some of them become swingers, some get into adult entertainment, some together have relationships with other individuals or couples.  

The Farmer
When a non-monogomous person is in a monogomous relationship they are miserable.  If they do not understand their feelings and who they are, they flounder and have difficulty expressing themselves.  They feel anger and sadness and depression and as with anything they usually direct it towards their spouse.  After all, that is who is always there and inadvertently makes them feel trapped or tied down.   

A great friend recently said something to me that was so profound that I can't think of anything else now.  He said this...

Imagine that you and the people around you are starving to death and you have food in your two hands but not enough for everyone.  You can make the sacrifice and give the food to the others and then suffer yourself, but after they eat a little bit, they will be fine for a while and then ultimately starve again and you will be out of food or dead because you didn't eat yourself.  On the other hand, you can eat the food yourself and be nourished and get your strength back so you can go out and learn to become a farmer and grow food for everyone well into the future and even teach them to make food themselves.  Everyone benefits and there is ample food for everyone.  Makes sense right?  Now consider that the food in your hands is happiness.  If you are happy then the people around you can feed off of your happiness and be happy themselves.  If you are miserable then everyone around you will know that and will not want to be around you and it will make them unhappy too.
It is not worth it for one single moment to deliberately suffer and be unhappy.  Life is so short, why spend it unhappy.  If you hate your job and you are treated like crap then change it.  Get a new job where you are respected and enjoy going to work.  If you need to change your career then do it and if anyone disagrees with you, then that is their problem, not yours.  

The Non-Monogomous Couple
One of the most interesting non-monogomous relationships that I discovered is the trigger that guided me to write this post... 

A husband and wife were having an awkward relationship.  They cared very much for each other but he was non-monogomous and she was generally monogomous... or believed she was anyways.  He needed to experience the energies of other people but she did not.  Actually she kept up walls to keep people away and not let them get too close to her.  After trying all sorts of things over several years and having many fights and generally being unhappy,  they finally approached the concept of having an open relationship such that he could have other relationships, sexual or otherwise and so could she.  As it turns out, even though she is allowed she hasn't felt the need.  It wasn't the other energies that she needed it was his energy but with him being happy.  He let her know that she was beside him on his path through life and she always would be.  He goes out with other women and some of them he has intimate relationships with, but when he comes home he is happy, calm and affectionate like never before and this makes her very very happy.  It was hard for her to adjust to at first, but she went out herself and met lots of people and took some workshops on being open and letting other energies come in.  She has since discovered that she really likes women and wants to experiment more in that area.  Both of them spoke with me individually and they are incredibly happy and calm and at peace with themselves and the people around them.  I noticed the change in both of them and I am so honored that they were able to share with me.  

If you take anything from this post, please focus on your own happiness first and the happiness of others second.  Just like when you fly on an airplane they tell you that if the masks fall from the top to put yours on first before you help the others around you.  If you are unhappy then you will live a shorter life and miss out on all the wonderful things that life has to offer.  Don't let that happen to you.

To Happiness!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Friends Eh?

Well for starters, this post was not triggered by any specific incident. Just a lot of things have been happening and I make observations and store them away in the back of my mind for later use. I am one of those people that is overly nice to everyone and I have a lot of "friends" and consequently I get walked all over a lot. The thing is that I don't want to change the way I am because every once in a while someone can come along and surprise me. There really are genuine people in this world, its just that they are hard to find.

I am finding more and more people out there seem to feel that they need to lie. I am not sure why because I am very open-minded and I accept people for who they are. If you don't have the greatest life in the world then change that. Don't just lie about it so people think you are so amazing. What you don't realize is that we can see right through you.

Myself, when I meet people I genuinely want to get to know them. I am fascinated by all the different things that people do in their lives, both the good and the bad. I think that everything that happens to us helps to shape us and make us who we are. Without these influences, we would be nothing. Hardships and difficulties either make us strong or beat us down and that all depends on how we manage our feelings. Some people are easily influenced by others and that can be a good thing if others are looking out for their best interests. If not, it can be very destructive and lead to a miserable life.

You may have heard that everything in the universe happens the way it is supposed to happen. I believe that very strongly. So many things in life don't seem to make sense at the time and then later on we realize that we are better off because of it. Maybe leading a healthy and happy life is simply a matter of embracing that fact and moving on. I know this has worked for me very well, and I try my best to not get hung up on a specific incident or person or event because I know things will go on as they should.

Back to the friend thing... I think most people can count on one hand how many true friendships they have in their life. These are the people that are there for you when you need them. They are not what I call "fair weather friends". The majority of friends are there when there is something in it for them, or when they are bored and have nothing better to do. Or worse, you happen to be influential in some way and they gain by being around you.

Anyways, this is sounding a little depressing, but that was not my intention. What I mean to say is that you need to keep your eyes open so that you can tell the difference between a fair weather friend and a true friend. The reason is that it is the true friends that you need to make sure you are a true friend back with.

I once told someone that they should take a look at every person in their life and ask themselves if that person adds value, or sucks life out of them. If they add value then great, but if they don't add value then get rid of them. One of the simplest keys to happiness is surrounding yourself with good people that make you happy. If you are spending energy on someone who does not make you happy then you need to be a little bit selfish and let them go. You need to realize that life is short and there is no point wasting precious moments with people that don't deserve your energy. Let them go out and find someone else who they can relate to and maybe they will realize what a true friend should be.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

This Life They See

I have not been in a good place lately. I hope to come out of it soon, but I am having a very hard time with everything right now. I wrote this "thing" to try and express my feelings. I don't know if it is a poem or whatever but who cares, it is what it is...
the thoughts were easy
the path always clear
always knowing
never any fear

things happen as they should
goals achieved one after the next
life seems so easy
live with no regrets

how could this happen?
how did I get here?
with no one to talk to
all full of fear

have I been asleep?
or living some other life?
i feel so alone
so helpless and lost

you don't know about a perfect life
it's what you think you want
then realize the knife
nowhere to go

someone has to suffer
does it always have to be me?
thoughts are so dark
feelings so cold

who would understand?
who really cares?

with life there are choices
some easy and some hard
there are people you love
and others that love you

they are not always the same
one of life's little tricks
to beat you down hard
to test your strength
and harden your heart

no one is immune
it's your choice indeed
to let life break you
or to hold strong and need
to conquer your mind
and overcome your fears

it's okay to be alone
sometimes in tears
for you are only human
and it comes down to this
even knowing what you want
is rarely what you need

others think its perfect
this life they see

if only they could know you
how your heart makes you suffer
it's something not seen

you put on a smile
and make them believe
its a perfect life
this life they see

Saturday, May 28, 2011

It's About Bloody Time Al

Well hey there people, I would apologize for not writing in my blog for so long, however stats say that no one ever reads this blog anyway. That's ok, I really don't care. So what the heck has happened since I last wrote? Well, a heck of a lot... I have taken my photography to a higher level and I am having so much fun with it. I have now specialized on Fine Art Nude photography and I think that I have some talent there. So many beautiful women want to work with me and I am so happy with how the photos are turning out. If anyone does read this and wants to check out my work, you can go to Aduro Photography Fine Art Nude Gallery and have a look. The images are in chronological order so if you want to see the newest stuff, go to the last page.

I have also been working pretty regularly on a podcast. It is for Photographers, Makeup Artists, and Models and it is called "I Am Aduro". You can check it out at We just recorded episode 51 on Friday evening and every episode has turned out to be very informative and interesting. The feedback has been very positive so I have been very motivated to keep going. My co-host and the producer of the show is my photographer friend, Andrew Bolton. I think we are a good team.

Look forward to lots of exciting new things from me in the near future. I hope that I am not too busy so that I can blog about it regularly.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

For The Future - Life's Answers Contained In a Science Fiction TV Series.

I just love science fiction. One of my all time favorite series is Babylon 5 created by J. Michael Straczynski. I remember way back in 1994 when the show first aired. My soon-to-be wife and I began watching and although the sets and some of the acting were a little "low budget", the computer generated special effects were way ahead of their time. I remember thinking YES! finally a science fiction show that had realistic flight characteristics in the space ships. Something that always really bothered me about Star Wars and Star Trek. Except for some of the more advanced races of aliens, the humans even needed to have rotating sections of their ships and space stations to maintain artificial gravity. Now I am not physicist, but it was way more believable that most of the other stuff I had seen in the past. At least Straczynski gave it some thought. Oh and the design of the Star Fury fighter craft was outstanding. I have a scale model that I built a long time ago and it still sits in my office. One of "MY THINGS" that the kids are not allowed to touch. Much later in the the fourth season of the show they introduced the "White Star" ships that were built by the Mimbari with some Vorlon technology. By far the coolest ships out of any science fiction show ever.

Anyways, this post is not about space ships. It is about the show in general that had such an intricate story line and characters that fans who watched every episode felt like they were a part of it. As you watched each episode, you could see a mirror into reality. The show dealt with religion, poverty, corruption, racism, death, love, and compassion. It showed how love and friendship can stand over anything that challenged it. It made you realize that humans squabble and fight over the most petty little things. How literally stupid we must look to an outsider when we complain and cry about the things that don't really matter. How precious life really is and how short it can be. In the second last episode of the final season of the show, President John Sheridan wakes up in the middle of the night thinking about his own mortality. He decides to record a message to his un-born son to be played back to him on his 21st birthday. If you had seen the series you would know that John Sheridan only had 19 more years to live, so he would never see his son's 21st birthday.

This speech moved me to tears and it touches so many points about life and the way things are and the way things need to be. I don't know for sure if Straczynski wrote this himself, or if it was another writer, but one day I would love to find out and shake the hand of that person. By the way, Sheridan's wife's name is Delenn.

Londo's visit got me thinking about the day my child comes of age. On Earth, that's 21. If Lorien's prediction holds, I only have 19 years left. I won't be there to see you come into your own. Whoever you are, Whoever you will be. Not that either of those things matter. Because site unseen, I know that I will love you because you are my child, and the child of the woman I love more than life itself. I will give you that love, as best I can, for as long as I'm here. But a day like this, your 21st birthday, requires something more. So, I give you what little wisdom I have.

Delenn is the greatest ally you will ever have. Her depths of courage and compassion are unmatched in my experience. Look to her for wisdom and fire in equal measure, and if you ever have any doubt, talk to her. She will never judge you, she will only love you. From time to time, you will make mistakes, there inevitable. Sometimes those mistakes will be huge. What matters is that you learn from them. There's nothing wrong with falling down as long as you end up just two inches taller when you pick yourself up off the floor. At times you may end up far away from home. You may not be sure of where you belong anymore, but home is always there. Because home is not a place, its wherever your passion takes you. As you continue on your path, you will lose some friends and gain new ones. The process is painful, but often necessary. They will change, and you will change because life is change. From time to time they must find their own way and that way may not be yours. Enjoy them for what they are, and remember them for what they were. There's not much left, except I believe, I really do believe that sooner or later no matter what happens, things do work out. We have hard times, we suffer, we lose loved ones, the road is never easy. It was never meant to be easy, but in the long run if you stay true to what you believe, things do work out. Always be willing to fight for what you believe in. It doesn't matter if a thousand people agree with you, or one person agrees with you. It doesn't matter if you stand completely alone. Fight for what you believe. Which brings me to the first piece of advice my dad ever gave me and now I am giving it to you.

Never start a fight, but always finish it.

My wife and I have two boys, one is 6 and the other is 7. I own a box set of the Babylon 5 series and one evening I decided that we should watch it with the kids. We started, and nearly every night we watched at least one episode. My kids really got into the show and it was wonderful family time for us that I looked forward to every night. Earlier tonight we watched the final two episodes and that is why I am creating this post. I am still moved by the show and my kids want to watch some of the spin-off series including Crusades that I also have on DVD. As well there are some two-hour made-for-tv movies that Straczynski made throughout the 5 years of the show. If you ever have the opportunity to pick up the full five seasons of Babylon 5 (they have them at Costco now) make sure you do it. Watch them with your family from beginning to end. This is a very intricate story that must be seen. So many good morals and life lessons to be learned.

There are a lot of amazing stories that have been created in the world, but I think you will find that Babylon 5 was right up there as one of the best.