Sunday, January 15, 2012

Are you actually non-monogomous?

The Four Keys To A Happy Relationship
Let me share some information with you that I have learned.  As it turns out, in every relationship there are four key things that make it work.  The percentage of each will determine the level of success. 

Composition of a Relationship

For starters the two people need to be the best of friends.  They need to want to spend all the time they have together forever and ever.  That is probably one of the most solid pieces and can help weather deficiencies in other areas.  If you have an incredible sex life and you are both good parents but you can't get along with each other then it won't work.

Next, both people need to be a good spouse.  What I mean by this is that they have to be able to do those things that a couple has to do.  Fix the car, take out the garbage, do the dishes, clean the house, fix the fence, pay the bills, get groceries, etc.  If the other areas are solid but one or both of the people doesn't hold up their end on the spousal duties then there will be constant bickering and a sense that the person is not willing to do their part to make the relationship work.

The third point is parenting.  If both people have no interest in having children then this point doesn't matter as much.  However if children, or even pets are involved then both people have to be good parents.  If one is a terrible parent then the relationship will fail for sure.  To a parent the children are the most important thing in their lives.  

Finally the bedroom.  Even if you have 100% of all of the other three, a low score in the bedroom is going to have a serious impact on the relationship.  This could lead to constant fighting, cheating, misdirected anger, feelings of inadequacy, bruised ego, etc.  

If you are about to enter a long-term relationship or you are currently in one that is not working then you need to closely examine these four areas and see where the breakdown is.  This might be something that, once understood and out in the open, can be resolved.  Other times it cannot be resolved and the relationship will be destined to fail.  People are fighters and they can put up with things for a long time, however it will eventually fail and there will be a feeling of a loss of time and regret over it.  Why do some marriages go on for 10 to 15 to 20 years and then end?  Because people can put up with a lot before they are willing to make change.

Monogomy vs. Non-Monogomy

Further to the last item, the bedroom, there is one other key aspect about people that can make or break a solid relationship.

Turns out, people are one of two ways.  They are monogomous or non-monogomous.  Two monogomous people can live happily ever after if the other four aspects of the relationship are in tact.  Two non-monogomous people can also live happily ever after with the other four aspects at healthy levels, however they need to UNDERSTAND that they ARE non-monogomous.

Have you ever met someone and you fell in love with them such that no one else in the world even matters?  You hardly notice another attractive person around you other than for the eye-candy.  Your thoughts are consumed by the person you are in love with and you can't imagine being with anyone else.  If that is the case you are probably a Monogomous person.  You are content with getting married and probably having kids and living happily ever after just like the fairy tales you grew up with as a child.  

On the other hand if even after you fell deeply in love with someone you easily get bored of them, or you always notice other attractive people and have feelings about wanting to be around them and getting to know them.  You have many friends and actually NEED to be around them and feel their different energies in your life.  If this sounds like you then you are probably non-monogomous. 

Non-monogomous people feed on the different energies of others and could never be happy with just one person in their relationship.  Of course the way society brainwashes us to believing that everyone needs to find that special someone to marry and have kids and grow old together.  Even religion tells you that you have to be loyal and faithful to your partner for as long as you both shall live... and don't covet thy neighbor's wife for goodness sakes.

If you have a closed mind and up to this point you don't agree with me then you are already either a) monogomous or b) so brainwashed or afraid of what other people think that you might as well stop reading right here.  On the other hand if I am touching on a few points that are making you think, let me continue and put some more pieces together to help you grasp this. 

People, this is something profound here.  It is equivalent to being gay or straight.  You can be gay and lie to yourself for years, but eventually you will come out of the closet.  If you are non-monogomous you can lie to yourself for a long long time but eventually you will need to get out of that relationship.  If not, the likelyhood of cheating on your partner is very high.  Hopefully you can come up with another option, so keep reading...

It's NOT Always About Sex
Typically sex or that type of intimacy is a big part of a non-monogomous person's life, but it doesn't have to be.  It is more about the different energies that people have that you need to be complete.  One person may have a specific type of energy where they are strong and make you feel safe where as another person is vulnerable and needs you to protect them.  Another person may be an incredible amount of fun and you just laugh and smile the whole time you are around them.  Another may be so sexually attractive to you that you can't think of anything other than jumping their bones when you think about them.  Another may just be calm and centered and make you feel grounded and sane and at peace.  Some are aggressive and after being around them you are exhausted from being on the ball the entire time, but for some reason you need that so you keep them in your life.  Some people are fascinating and others are intelligent.  Some are wild and crazy and make you feel alive.  All these energies combined make you feel complete.  Make you whole and comfortable and at peace with the universe.  

That sounds wild, and you may wonder how the heck can that be possible.  How can one person be "allowed" to be with so many people and have it be accepted in society.  Well in my journey I have met a lot of different people with different lifestyles.  I am very open-mined and people open up to me and tell me their most intimate secrets.  I thoroughly enjoy the feeling of being trusted in that way and I definitely know what it is like to have someone you can be that open with.  It is probably one of the most significant relationships you will ever have in your life.  Anyways, non-monogomous people find ways of making things work.  Some of them become swingers, some get into adult entertainment, some together have relationships with other individuals or couples.  

The Farmer
When a non-monogomous person is in a monogomous relationship they are miserable.  If they do not understand their feelings and who they are, they flounder and have difficulty expressing themselves.  They feel anger and sadness and depression and as with anything they usually direct it towards their spouse.  After all, that is who is always there and inadvertently makes them feel trapped or tied down.   

A great friend recently said something to me that was so profound that I can't think of anything else now.  He said this...

Imagine that you and the people around you are starving to death and you have food in your two hands but not enough for everyone.  You can make the sacrifice and give the food to the others and then suffer yourself, but after they eat a little bit, they will be fine for a while and then ultimately starve again and you will be out of food or dead because you didn't eat yourself.  On the other hand, you can eat the food yourself and be nourished and get your strength back so you can go out and learn to become a farmer and grow food for everyone well into the future and even teach them to make food themselves.  Everyone benefits and there is ample food for everyone.  Makes sense right?  Now consider that the food in your hands is happiness.  If you are happy then the people around you can feed off of your happiness and be happy themselves.  If you are miserable then everyone around you will know that and will not want to be around you and it will make them unhappy too.
It is not worth it for one single moment to deliberately suffer and be unhappy.  Life is so short, why spend it unhappy.  If you hate your job and you are treated like crap then change it.  Get a new job where you are respected and enjoy going to work.  If you need to change your career then do it and if anyone disagrees with you, then that is their problem, not yours.  

The Non-Monogomous Couple
One of the most interesting non-monogomous relationships that I discovered is the trigger that guided me to write this post... 

A husband and wife were having an awkward relationship.  They cared very much for each other but he was non-monogomous and she was generally monogomous... or believed she was anyways.  He needed to experience the energies of other people but she did not.  Actually she kept up walls to keep people away and not let them get too close to her.  After trying all sorts of things over several years and having many fights and generally being unhappy,  they finally approached the concept of having an open relationship such that he could have other relationships, sexual or otherwise and so could she.  As it turns out, even though she is allowed she hasn't felt the need.  It wasn't the other energies that she needed it was his energy but with him being happy.  He let her know that she was beside him on his path through life and she always would be.  He goes out with other women and some of them he has intimate relationships with, but when he comes home he is happy, calm and affectionate like never before and this makes her very very happy.  It was hard for her to adjust to at first, but she went out herself and met lots of people and took some workshops on being open and letting other energies come in.  She has since discovered that she really likes women and wants to experiment more in that area.  Both of them spoke with me individually and they are incredibly happy and calm and at peace with themselves and the people around them.  I noticed the change in both of them and I am so honored that they were able to share with me.  

If you take anything from this post, please focus on your own happiness first and the happiness of others second.  Just like when you fly on an airplane they tell you that if the masks fall from the top to put yours on first before you help the others around you.  If you are unhappy then you will live a shorter life and miss out on all the wonderful things that life has to offer.  Don't let that happen to you.

To Happiness!


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